This blog post has been brewing for a while. There have been many days where I considered sitting down to spew it from my head… lucky you, today seems to be the THE day! I’m not too sure what the end result of this post will be, but hopefully we can all take something from it and move the f*ck on.
2015 has been a little unforgiving to put it mildly. I’ve been wondering if I should divulge the intricacies of this past year. All the gory details. It’s in my nature to want to tell you everything, but because a lot of what has transpired this year involves the lives of others, I’ll keep most of the drama under wraps and try to get to the essence of the lessons learned.
I was faced with a moral challenge as early as February. Not a particularly difficult decision to make but it involved heart-breaking information. I was relieved when I didn’t have to be the messenger, but it definitely set a tone for the rest of the year, a year that was supposed to be centred around developing my business and essentially, sorting my sh*t out!
The funny thing is that I completed a business course this year, which was amazing! Unfortunately my emotional state somewhat hindered the production of energy I needed in order to get my ducks in a row… so the ducklings are still a little all over the place! But it’s ok… because everything is as it should be AND I managed to move premises and now have my own studio space. So it’s not all bad really.
Personal development has always been an interest of mine. I think we constantly need to work on ourselves and our own growth, become better people you know? I’m never quite satisfied though. I always want to know more, learn more and become a better human. I often think I’ve become so obsessed with this concept because I haven’t always been a good human. I’ve done some stupid sh*t and I’ve hurt people. In hindsight, this all happened because I had very little respect for myself… so why should I treat others with respect? Thank heavens I’ve started creeping out of the shadows of self-loathing though. Life isn’t so dark and heavy anymore.
Perhaps this year has taught me that one’s gut feeling is almost always right. Almost always. It’s not always easy to listen to that feeling because it might involve saving yourself but hurting someone else. If you’re lucky, the other person involved might agree with your gut feeling and ultimately you are both saved from whatever is hanging over your heads.
I’m not sure if you can call it blessed, lucky or simply fateful, but my almost four year relationship came to an end recently based on gut feelings… and thankfully we were experiencing similar gut feelings.
It’s incredible to be able to end a relationship with love and blessings. To know that you were there for each other when you most needed each other, but also to know when it’s ok to walk away with blessing and love in your hearts. It’s incredible, but not ever easy. Saying goodbyes are never easy.
My whole year has been centred around relationships and the intricacies of them. The behaviour I learned as a young girl and applied to my own friendships and love affairs. Even my relationship with myself. 2015 has been a huge year of reflection and pondering. I’m wondering if 2016 is going to be a year of application – trying new approaches and nurturing realness and connectedness, on many levels. Wondering.
All my relationships have been challenged this year for various (mostly tragic) reasons. Some of these relationships have blossomed while others are hanging on by a mere thread. Luckily my relationship with Stephen is perhaps in its own weird way stronger now that we are able to move on as friends. Such a blessing. Such an incredible blessing.
It seems though, that I still have some work to do on my relationship with myself. A recent experience with a new friend challenged me to go deep again and really check in with how I’m feeling about myself.
It turns out I still have some demons to face and slaughter. It’s facing the 16 year old, the 18 year old and the 21 year old in me and forgiving her for the hurt and the hate. The self-destructive behaviour and pushing away of real connections and relationships.
I’m not sure if I’ll ever manage to kill all the beasts, but hey it’s worth a try.
In terms of moving forward, I feel like I’ve been catapulted into a new space or sphere. My vision has expanded and the possibilities seem endless. I suppose that’s what they call hope. So I’ve come through all the sh*t of this past year and I see, feel and sense hope. Thank the Gods for this.
Thank you to the people who challenged me this year. There is a lesson to be learned in almost every experience or exchange. Your sh*t caused me to question my sh*t and now I stand at the end of a year filled with panic attacks, fatigue and many failure’s and look ahead of me and only see big beautiful fields of yellow flowers… yellow, a colour connected to personal power.
Let’s move forward into those fields and challenge ourselves to improve our internal dialogues with ourselves. Our relationship with ourselves.
A friend wrote this to me over the weekend:
“Who and what you are is enough on so many levels.”
Let that sink in, because it’s true.